"Cut my life into pieces…" Dodge sang weakly, his voice faltering.  With each new line of the song, a new line was cut into his wrist.  Lying in the bathtub in a pool of his own blood, Dodge was thinking over the day's events that had led him to this.

Not like the kid needed much motivation; cutting was one of his favorite hobbies.  Plus, he practically screamed "I am an emo faggot; beat me up plz."  It wasn't just the hair he spent five plus hours straightening and hair spraying and gelling and styling every morning; it wasn't the fact he liked his jeans like he liked his spandex leopard-print unitard: skin tight; and it wasn't just how he would wait until the third ring before answering the phone like a girl waiting for a prom date to call; it was those damned rainbow hairclips.  They completely fucked over any traces of heterosexuality.

Suddenly, who should burst through the door but Stevie Bell, drama queen extraordinaire?

"Dodge, I am having the worst fucking day in the history of the entire fucking planet," he said, sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

Just as Dodge was about to go off on one of his seemingly endless emo rants about how it was HIS life that sucked the most, thxvrymuch, the bathroom door swung open again.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HEATHEN HANDS OFF OF THAT CHILD OF GAWD!" boomed a voice from the doorway.  In it, surrounded by a halo of light, stood Sidney, the hippie bank robber.  Somehow with his single pink lock of hair and lack of showering, he managed to come off as straight.  The eighth wonder of the world.

Stevie ignored the loud command, but Dodge turned his head slowly to look over at Glow-In-The-Dark Sidney™.  "Are you…are you my real father?"

Sidney opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Stevie's bff, Jill.

I mean Andy.

"LOLKAWAII!" Andy said, running around the bathroom.  "Vroooom!  Vroooom!" he squealed, before falling in the bathtub with a splash of blood.  As he sat there soaked in Dodge's blood, he proceeded to have a giggling fit which lasted for the remainder of the story.

CRASH! The frosted window over Dodge and Andy's heads broke open as a black-masked figure smashed through it, sending shards of glass flying all over the bathroom.

Dodge picked one out of his hair and started cutting his other wrist with that, since his RAZR had gone dull.

The black-masked figure stood in the middle of the group, wrapped in an even blacker cloak.  He unfurled his cape, and held it out to his sides like a pair of bat wings. ">:E" he said.

"MATT YOU CHAUVINISTIC REPUBLICAN WAR-MONGERING GUN-TOTING ANIMAL-EATING WAL-MART-SUPPORTING WASTE OF HUMAN FLESH WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" Sidney demanded in his regular speaking voice.

">:E!!!" hissed the black-clad figure.

"And the scars remind me," Dodge started singing again, "that the past is real."

"Hi guys," Ian said tentatively, peaking out from behind Sidney.

"No one likes you," Stevie said, pointing at Ian.  "Get the fuck out."

Without any sort of response, Ian disappeared into the endless void from whence he came, more or less summing up his entire character.

Oh who the hell else should I stick in here?

Right Eli sure why not.

Dodge's singing drifted to a stop as he heard a noise outside.  Everyone craned their necks simultaneously to hear.

"I'm…too sexy for my shirt.  Too sexy for my shirt.  So sexy it hurts," a voice sang from underneath the window.  This was followed by sounds too graphic to describe without slapping a mature warning on this sucka.

"Someone is having sex and it isn't me!?" Stevie asked, completely aghast.

He jumped up and was about to storm out of the bathroom when a blood soaked hand grabbed his wrist.  "Wait," Dodge whispered.  Cutting always left him with respiratory difficulties.

"God, Dodge, I just don't have time for your shit.  Can't you see that?" Stevie said angrily.

"What happened today that was so horrible?" Dodge wheezed.  Why he gave a fuck about someone who didn't give a fuck about him was anyone's guess, really.  "Did you get cheated on thirteen times by your boyfriend, beat up twelve times by absolute strangers and five times by your friends, fall off a cliff, get hit by a bus, raepd by your dad when you were 5—"  Stevie cut him off.

"Dodge, seriously, no one gives a fuck."  His eyes welled up with tears and his lower lip quivered.  He shoved his hand under Dodge's nose and squealed, "I broke a nail!" before he burst into tears.

Dodge started crying too—out of pity for himself, not Stevie—and resumed cutting himself with a piece of glass he found in Andy's hair.

Stevie proceeded to fuck over everyone in the room.

Literally.